Note: The following summary was originally shared within a support group and has been adapted here for broader benefit.

Yesterday, we attended an event that completely changed my perspective on raising children. I want to share some of the key points because they may benefit you as well. The speaker was Dr. Leonard Sax, a well-known psychologist and author of the book The Collapse of Parenting. He presented a wealth of statistics and practical tips for raising children in America.

Although his talk focused on American families, the principles apply to raising children in the age of the internet and social media—evils which have spread across the globe. This was perhaps the best three-hour workshop we have ever attended. Here is a summary of the main points:

1. Self-Control Predicts Success:

The strongest predictor of success at age 32 is self-control at age 12. Success here means no criminal record, no drug abuse, a stable job, and good citizenship.

2. Speak the Native Language at Home:

Encourage your children to speak their mother tongue at home. Reduce the generational gap by involving grandparents in their lives, and, if possible, consider having them live with you.

3. Instil Pride in Heritage:

Many children today feel ashamed of their language or cultural attire. In trying to fit in, they detach from their roots. Teach them to be proud of their heritage.

4. Choose the Right Friend Circle:

Surround your children with friends who also speak their native language. This helps preserve the language among peers.

5. Delay Smartphones:

Do not give them a smartphone until they have shown real responsibility. If needed, give them a simple “dumb” phone instead.

6. Monitor Media Consumption:

In the 1950s, the family unit was the focus of advertisements and TV shows. Parents were shown as role models. Today, shows like The Simpsons depict parents as foolish. Monitor what your children watch. The more they consume shows that undermine parental authority, the less respect they will have for you.

7. Avoid Violent Games:

Keep them away from games like Fortnite and Grand Theft Auto, which glorify violence, theft, and immorality. Dr. Sax cited statistics linking violent games with real-world violence.

8. No Screens in Bedrooms:

Bedrooms should be for rest, not socialising with the outside world. Make the family room the only place where screen time is allowed—and model this behaviour yourself.

9. Delay Social Media:

Keep your children off Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook for as long as possible. Use monitoring software so you’re notified of every picture they take or share. Collect their phones at 9 p.m. and return them in the morning. Make this a non-negotiable condition of phone use.

10. Be a Parent, Not a Friend:

You can be close to your children without being their “buddy.” Speak with authority. No means no. When you withdraw privileges for bad behaviour, they will resist. Be firm—you are the parent.

11. Understand Gender Differences:

Statistics show girls are more affected by Instagram and Snapchat. Seeing others’ highlights creates a false sense of inadequacy and depression. Boys are more influenced by video games. Limit screen time to 20 minutes on weekdays and one hour on weekends—after homework is done. Remove devices if they do not comply.

12. Teach Humility Through Chores:

Even if you can afford help, make your children do household chores. Saying “my child is too busy” breeds entitlement and selfishness.

13. Recognise the Displacement Effect:

Every minute spent on games or social media is time not spent on something beneficial.

14. Raise Them to Stay Away from Music:

Today’s music often contains sexual innuendo and inappropriate themes. Ensure your children do not look up to such artists as role models. Teach them to avoid this music and be selective about what they listen to.

15. Discourage Offensive Clothing:

Avoid T-shirts with rude slogans like “I’ll trade Wi-Fi for my brother” or “I don’t care.” Such messages can be offensive and shape attitudes negatively.

16. Avoid Over-Medication:

The U.S. prescribes far more ADHD and depression medication to children than countries like France. Over-medicating is harming a generation.

17. Instil Religion and Higher Purpose:

Without a higher purpose, people make fame, money, and popularity their “gods.” Give your children a meaningful framework for life.

18. Character Over Fame:

In the 1980s, good character and helping others topped the list of desirable traits. Fame ranked 15th. Today, fame is number one. This shift is telling.

19. Be Aware of Hidden Apps:

Some apps disguise themselves as calculators but hide explicit content. Shaking the phone can even make the app disappear. Without good monitoring software (Dr. Sax recommended NetNanny), you may not know what your children are accessing.

20. Understand Skewed Comparisons:

Children addicted to harmful online content compare themselves with equally addicted peers, not with normal, healthy ones. This normalises dysfunction.

21. Family Meals Matter:

Children who eat with their families seven times a week are less stressed, have more self-control, and are happier than those who eat alone.

22. Screen Time Does Not Roll Over:

If they skip their daily 20 minutes of screen time, it should not accumulate.

23. Snapchat is Not Private:

Many apps can bypass Snapchat’s time limits and secretly save photos without notifying the sender.

24. Appearance Over Identity:

Today’s youth care more about how they look than who they are. Address this early.

25. Childhood is Long for a Reason:

Humans have the longest childhood of any species. Horses race by age three. We have roughly 18 years to instil values that last a lifetime. Once the formative years are lost, change becomes difficult.

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Your brother,

Sajid Umar

Location: Somewhere en route to the Hereafter

02/04/1447 AH – 24/09/2025