This blog was originally uploaded on the previous version of the www.sajidumar.com website on February 6, 2019.

As-salāmu ʿalaykum everyone.

I came across this beneficial message regarding parenting.

I’ve made a few tweaks to it and added some points of my own. All in all, it is beneficial, and perhaps, in shāʾ Allāh, I will put out something more detailed in the future.

Here is the message:

📌 I often get asked for advice about how to parent rebellious teenagers by struggling parents. My usual response is: “Please let me know when you find out.”

So what I’m about to share comes from a place of deep humility. Parenting is hard, sometimes painfully so. But here are a few reflections: lessons that have helped me and that I’ve observed in the lives of others.

1. They Are Their Own People

Know this: your children are separate human beings, not a reflection of you. They are not trophies. They cannot be extensions of your ambitions, unfulfilled dreams, or a means to make up for what you failed to achieve.

They don’t exist to be your fulfillment. They are servants of Allāh. Allow them their own dreams, personalities, and goals.

2. Be the Example They Look Up To

Even if they don’t say it, you are still their first and biggest example.

Be someone they can respect and admire without being shamed into it. Work on yourself so that the kind of man or woman you hope they’ll grow into would look up to someone like you. Be a role model. Be kind, generous, and patient if that’s what you’d like from them. Call your parents. Cook for a sick friend.

Remember: they will do what you do, not what you say.

3. Meet Their Core Needs

Humans have at least three essential needs:

1. Security
2. Belonging
3. Purpose

If the home does not provide a safe space for them to be who they are and to feel loved, they will search for that elsewhere.

If the home and the mosque are not places of belonging, they will find belonging elsewhere.

If they have no sense of purpose beyond avoiding punishment, they will seek it elsewhere or numb its absence.

4. Accept Their Imperfections

Your children will likely disappoint you sometimes, perhaps often. Refer back to point number one.

You can do everything “perfectly” and still not have perfect kids. It’s not your fault. Even Prophets had children who rebelled. That does not mean they failed.

Your children are not extensions of you. They have their own agency. We are accountable only for our actions and intentions, not for how others, yes, even our kids, choose to behave. Don’t fall into self-blame and self-punishment.

5. Recognize the Gift

If your kids turn out righteous, praise Allāh, not yourself.

Do not take credit. Children are a gift, like health or wealth. The Qurʾān reminds us that those who claim, “This is because of my own effort” were not looked upon kindly.

Don’t feel superior to parents who are struggling, any more than you would look down on someone with less money. Allāh gives to whom He wills.

It is not a sign of your awesomeness. It is a sign of His generosity.

Your brother

Sajid Umar

Location: 'somewhere en route to the hereafter'

01/06/1440 (AH) - 06/02/2019